Here comes Candeh with a baby carriage.

And morning comes again. This time though the house is empty and I have some peace to write. Which believe me is a rarity but I take advantage of it when it happens to come along. So where were we oh Yes the birth of my daughter. Who for all purposes we are going to call Sally.


As I said Sally was a little early and small but healthy and beautiful, my god she was beautiful. The second I held her I felt something It wasn't a burst of fireworks and stars like most mothers like to explain it. But something was there. I loved her more than I had ever loved anything or anyone in my life and we had just met.


Things with Sally where pretty normal I learned to be a mother and my mother helped me along the way. She grew healthy and gained weight properly and became the center of attention of our family. I cried the first time she stayed overnight with a family member. I remember sitting in the rocking chair smelling of her onsie crying my eyes out as if I would never see her again. Knowing that first thing in the morning she would be in my arms again, but still I longed for her sweet baby smell and the sweet smile she gave me when our eyes met.


When Sally was about 9 months old or so Mark and I finally tied the knot and made it official. I still loved him as much as I had the day we met and now our family was whole. It was one of the three best days of my life. Soon after we were married we learned I was expecting again and this time it would be a boy.

This pregnancy would prove to be the hardest and the time that would follow would nearly break me sending me into daily panic attacks. I was really sick through my pregnancy with Sally throwing up everyday three to four times a day and my appetite was non existent I only gained 4 pounds but she was growing healthy and I was getting bigger so It wasn't a huge concern for the doc. and then with my son Ben it was the same I was sick everyday no appetite and the heartburn made things even worse.


But with Ben things were different I never gained any weight I lost 7 pounds. But I still got bigger so we weren't too alarmed. But then it started to turn for the worse. I was going into premature labor a lot. My Doctor stopped my labor all three times that he could and put me on bed rest with breathine pills to take everyday to try and keep my out of labor as it was far too early. But in the end it couldn't be stopped on Dec 15Th I went to the hospital in labor again and this time I was leaking amniotic fluid so there was nothing to do but deliver.


The next day my little man Ben was born at 11:00 am happy and healthy so we thought. He was small as his sister was but he seemed okay. After two days we went home as planned. I knew something was wrong the first night. I could barely get him to eat and his color looked funny to me but I thought I was just being paranoid. The next day I took him to our health department where I learned he had Jaundice.

So after two days in the hospital under a light he was released but something inside me still felt wrong. He still wouldn't eat and he still wasn't very active. And soon it would all become clear. Just a week or two later I got sick high fever the flu was all over me and then Ben got a cough. So because I could barely stand my parents took him to the Doc for me.

That was the day we learned he had severe RSV and would need to go to the hospital as his O2 stats were 72, at 69 you start burning brain cells. Later that night he would have to be moved to another hospital to the Pediatric ICU because he needed to be on a Ventilator as he could not handle the breathing on his own without wearing his heart out and making it stop like it had done three time before he was moved.

Well work time is here again so next time we will talk about the time spent in the ICU watching my son wither away wondering if I would ever get to hold my sweet little boy ever again.