Blue Raspberry Martinis rawk.

Today has been such a pretty day! It seems like its been ages since we have had a day like this and I was actually not working through it.

So it started off this morning the kids woke bright and early but Daddy got up and let me sleep in I was so wiped from the week... And the fact that I have been living on energy drinks and very little food lol.

So after I pried out of bed at 9:30 the kids were all over me. I played with them until noon and then it was nap time. My Step daughter Jenny is here this weekend so we are a busy group. After a few hours sleeping My mother in law picked them up and took them to two different parks.

With free time I wasn't sure what to do so My mom and I went riding around and into town to Walmart and did some cruising for fun! We had a really good time we got to talk without a little one tugging at my pants and just gossip about things it was really nice.

So after our ride we decided hey let's cook out and drink Blue raspberry Martinis! So we threw on some pork chops and the kids stayed with their grandmother except the little one he is snuggled in bed now!

We have been outside sitting and talking and having a pretty good time. So all in all it's been a damn good day which I really really needed right now. So I guess tonight I am going to cut this short as I have more alcohol and a husband who is in a good mood waiting for me.

These are the kind of days I love. The people I love the most around me just hanging out having a blast.

Like I love to say. Life is not about waiting out the storm, but learning to dance in the rain!

-Candeh

Cooled off...

Okay so I am not as mad today as I was last night. I am still upset but I am less likely to toss a toaster or something at him. lol. I guess I just need to get over it but it was irresponsible and it scared the living day lights out of me.

Alright so on to other things now I have vented enough. I worked a full eight hour shift last night which believe me apart from last Friday it is rare. It was a pretty good night except from the news at lunch. We have a good crew and a good boss so we usually have pretty good nights.

So I had a pretty good night but for some reason I wake up this morning and I feel well the only way I can think to say it is numb. I put on a darn good face for everyone I am always bubbly it seems and in a decent mood. But there seem to be a lot of days I just don't feel anything anymore. I am not depressed I don't think.. Just numb.

I have gained what seems to be 248754754547 million pounds in the last few months and it is driving me insane. I wasn't tiny to start out with but now I am just getting fat( Well at least I think so.) I have never been really pretty, I don't think I am ugly but just not very pretty but I have always had my body to fall back on and now I am loosing that. I am becoming the typical Fat unattractive mother you always see on tacky sitcoms.

I walk into a room now and I just feel ugh. unattractive I feel slobbish like there is no point and trying anymore. Sure I still put some effort into it but it doesn't seem to help. I have acne I can't get rid of and my waist is expanding by the second. I step on the scale at work and all I can think is " You are such a Cow it is a wonder you even have a husband who wants to look at you." I feel like I am losing myself and I really want me back.

I want the bubbly girl who makes everyone laugh and doesn't give a damn what anyone else things of her. All of the sudden I have become this self conscious woman desperately seeking approval from others. That isn't me and I know that but what I don't know is how to find the real Candeh again.

Maybe this is the way its supposed to be. You get married you have kids you get old and fat. But if it is someone shoot me now. I mean I love my kids they are the best things I have ever made and I wouldn't trade them for anything but something is missing, there is something I am lacking and for the life of me I can't figure out what it is.

I don't have the best marriage as we have established but I do love him. We just are so different. He is quiet and shy and reserved while I am outgoing and talkative and love to have fun and laugh. I love to sing at the top of lungs, dance and just be goofy sometimes. I really hope life isn't supposed to be like this forever.

Sometimes I think maybe I married the wrong person. I love him I really do but we just don't seem to click the way we used to and I find myself wondering if maybe just maybe the person I am supposed to be with is out there with someone else just as miserable as I am.... Or maybe I am just not trying hard enough.

Well that is enough for today I need a smoke ( Yes I know it is bad for me). So until tomorrow. Candeh out!

Grrrr At Men.

So Today has been a long day and I am stressed out and about ready to throw things at my husband. ( okay so maybe not but it feels good to think about it.)

Okay so Today I get up and take care of the laundry and the kids and clean up all day after them. 11:30 rolls around and I have to leave for work so I can get my check in the bank before I have to punch my time card. So as I getting ready to leave I have put the baby down for a nap and my little girl is laying down watching cartoons. Now I time to wake up daddy.

Everything was fine he was up and I kissed everyone and headed out. Things are going well at work. I am in my groove cutting up with my co workers and lunch rolls around. I get a call from my mom. My three year old daughter has walked to my grandparents which is a quarter of a mile from our place... Now we live on a family farm so there was no road involve but still my three year old walked alone down there. We live in the woods what if they hadn't been home or if she had walked into a snake or a stray dog that wasn't friendly?


Where was her father you ask.. Asleep that's right ASLEEP. So my 80 year old grandfather comes to the house and he can't get his lazy butt out of bed. So he gets the baby from the crib who has been in there screaming for god knows how long and takes him back to their house. Now I understand Daddy is tired because he worked third shift the night before and has only gotten 5 hours of sleep.

We can't afford a baby sitter and we have to make due with each other. So I get he is tired but so am I. I get up at the crack of dawn with the kids feed them bathe them. Nap them fix cups do laundry and sneak a shower in. Then I go to work for the rest of the night. So yeah I am beat to but that is how the cookie crumbles. For months I worked two jobs while he stayed home but did I fall asleep and let my children roam in the woods, NO! I got my butt up and took care of my responsibilities.

I haven't had the chance to talk to him yet as He was already at work when I got off but I am so steaming mad. I mean is it really too much for me to want him to put some effort into taking care of our children... Am I overreacting? Normally he is a good father but this just makes my blood boil.. Maybe I will cool off before the morning maybe not. I guess I will see then.

Alrighty I think it's time for me to get my behind in bed I will have work again tomorrow and maybe just maybe my husband will actually take care of our children why I am there.

It's the Climb.

Good Morning! It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your mood. I got in bed at a decent hour and I feel so much better now. But anyhow let's get back to the good stuff eh? Yesterday I told you about my husband and his affair and catching him with my best friend. That was one of the worst moments in my life my heart was broken.

The crazy thing is I was more upset at her than him. She had been my best friend for so long and I always knew that I could count on her. I would have laid my life down for that woman without a second thought. She was the sister I never had and in a instant it was all gone.

My other friends and family often ask me how I can still talk to her after that. Truth is I don't know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to let go of what used to be there. But the truth is I don't feel the way I used to. Before this I wanted to share every moment every detail of my life with her... Now I barely say hello anymore.

It hurt me so bad to know she had betrayed me like that. For the longest I was Angry I wanted to scream and cry and hit something. But after awhile I just felt numb and I still do. I told myself I would never be hurt by anyone like I was by those two. Even now when I think about that night I feel a tug on my heart strings. I wish somehow I could go back and change it but I can't.

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I needed to see what I did to toughen my skin so to speak. Even though my husband and I are still together I don't think I have ever truly forgiven him, and I don't know that I ever will. I certainly can't forget.

I have gotten over the other woman. But the second time wasn't just any woman it was the person I called my best friend. The person I cried to. The person I told my deepest fears and he took that away from me. I had no one I could trust or turn to anymore he had taken it all from me and she didn't stop him. So in my eyes I was alone and I didn't like being alone.

So after that we eventually got over it and I let him come home. Things didn't get easy fast but eventually I got over it enough to live our lives. So that brings us to present day. Whew felt good to get that off my chest. Although it doesn't erase it but at this point I don't want it erased. These are the things that make me who I am. I know that with a little effort and the good grace of God I can make it through anything and I plan to.

I think I have mentioned this already but I will leave you with it once again. I read a quote that I love and plan to keep in mind everyday as I live my life.

Life is not about waiting out the storm, but learning the dance in the rain....

So if you get the chance I hope you dance.

Cheater, Cheater, where did you meet her?

Good morning.... I think. It's Sunday morning and raining like crazy. This crazy weather is going to be the death of us all. We go from 45 degrees as a high to 75 as our high the next day. No wonder we can't get rid of our coughs Mother nature can't decide to burn or freeze us to death.. Anyhow back to the story.

Ben was now home and everything seemed to right again. I had both of my children happy and healthy and our oldest Marks Step daughter Jenny was a big sister and growing like a weed. Life seemed as close to perfect as it got. Boy was I ever wrong. Who was I to expect a fairy tale life? Looking back now I can play it my head and I look just like the hopeless wife in every infidelity story who thought everything was peachy keen when in reality it was anything but.

One day at home while my husband was at work and I was doing my usual duties of laundry and diapers and boo boo kissing I received a text message on my cell phone. It was from a number I didn't know which was weird as at the time I was a stay at home mother with really no friends apart from a select few other mothers and my children who I had most conversations with.

The Text message asked me if I knew a woman and it gave her name. I replied with No thinking they had the wrong number. Then another message followed. " Well your husband knows her pretty well." Which I replied with OK, who is this? Then another message came " They know each other too well, but don't take my word be a detective find out for your self." The womans cell number followed.

I was mad right away although not at him. I was mad at the person sending the messages. I instantly thought he was innocent and it was just some malicious person trying to use lies and slander to break up a happy marriage because of their own misery. So I called him and asked him who this woman was..... He knew her they worked together but he said they were just friends. The occasional conversation at break and showing off pictures of their families to one another. I bought it for a bit.

Soon after I became curious so just to confirm to my self that I was right my husband was not a cheat I looked up his cell records online. The Woman's number showed along the lines of 5-10 times every day calls lasting sometimes 45 minutes. Stemming back to even when we were in the ICU with Ben. There would be calls after work where I would call and he would be on the phone with her... He would talk to me for a few minutes and call her right back talking to her all the way home...

That doesn't sound innocent to me. When he got home I confronted him with the information. He still claimed it was nothing romantic simply a friendship. So I asked him to tone it down. No phone calls if they were just buddies like he said they could stick with conversations at work and I asked the same from her as she was also married. He agreed and I let it go.


A few months later I learned they were still at it. But this time she was using her house number because it was unlisted. However what they seem to forget is I am quiet resourceful and I found the listing it was her husbands name and their address. So once again I asked him to stop. The calls seemed to cease after that with the occasional call from her that lasted about 30 seconds so I am guessing he told her he couldn't talk.

Later on my husband changed jobs. He was laid off and had to find a new job which ended up being a third shift job, which is hard when you have children at home during the day and at this point I was working. I was working two jobs actually. I worked from 7 am in the morning at one job until it was time to go to the other which I worked at until 11pm at night. I was exhausted when I finally got home but we needed the money as he had been laid off for some time.

Soon after he started his new job I left my second job it was just too much when I had no babysitter so I would have to be there during the day to keep the children. I kept my second shift job so we wouldn't overlap in work times. So after a few weeks he seemed to be very tired when he got up for work a lot of days and I heard rumors he had been telling his mom whom he worked with that it was because the kids and I wouldn't let him get any sleep during the day.

I found this odd as we kept to our family room during they day and a lot of times we ran errands while he was asleep. So once again I got suspicious and I looked at the cell records...clean. But then I thought about something. We have a phone line in our bedroom for our Internet, it stays hooked to a computer so we don't use it for calls but our phone was hooked to it when afternoon when I got home.

I had not thought anything of it at that point but now I was curious so I hit redial.. Low and behold guess who's number showed up? Yep it was hers. Now I know what you are thinking I never proved anything and they could have just been friends. But honestly what man calls a friend that many times a day? Yep exactly. And that's not the end of it. Between the first and last time I caught him talking with her something else happened with someone else.

One night we got a sitter and went to my best friends house. This girl has been my best friend since we were in the 3rd grade so I jumped at the chance to spend some time with her as we both had kids and little time to get together. So my husband and I and few other friends got together with her at her house and we were drinking listening to music having a good time. Mark had been laying down in the back as he had a headache and wasn't feeling too well. He hadn't had anything to drink so we let him be.

The night we on we had a great time like we used to and soon after way too many drinks I went to get in the bed with my husband. We have a rule not to drive when drunk.. It's just too risky when we have those little ones at home that need us to come back safe and in one piece. Soon after I laid down and Mark and I made love he got up. While I thought he went to smoke it turned out once again I was wrong.

Soon after he got up I did too I was cold and I was going to see if I could find a blanket. When I walked out of the bedroom I heard laughing and there sat my best friend and my husband on the couch. She was sitting on top of him and they were kissing. Take in mind I was drunk at the time so it didn't process all I said was I need a blanket and she brought me one and I went back to sleep. They thought I hadn't seen anything but I had and I would remember it the next morning.

When I woke up no one else was awake and something inside me rang out saying something is wrong. So I looked at her phone which was on the couch charging. I looked at her text messages sent last night and in one she tells someone else they had kissed. And it all came flooding back to me what I had saw. I was furious. Needless to say me and my friend rarely speak now.

I got over it somewhat but my heart was shattered and my feelings towards my husband changed. I had lost both of my best friends and I felt like dying. Even though we were still together and she still called about once a week. The connections were gone. I don't feel like I used to. I still don't and I don't know if I ever will.

Well I guess It's time to call it quits today but tomorrow we will pick up where we left off.... Feeling a bit down now after rehashing all of those memories but tis life.

Ben and RSV.

RSV is a very serious virus in mostly premature babies. While older children do get it, it is more like a cold for them, while for Preemies it can as sometimes is a fatal virus.

Ben was diagnosed and moved to another hospital to the ICU unit as I said last time, and he was put on a ventilator. For weeks we were in the ICU and the battle went from bad to worse before it ever got close to good. His lungs collapsed he had pneumonia and staff infection in his lungs from the vent.


It seemed like he was never going to get better he was chemically paralyzed to keep him from fighting the vent and there were days where nurses would surrounded his bed as they watched his heart rate drop ready to do CPR at any moment.

I remember one day standing there watching his heart rate drop so quickly and the nurses began preparing for CPR which they would do at 60 beats per minute.

I couldn't handle it. His heart rate picked back up but It was too late for me I locked myself in the bathroom of the ICU waiting area and cried and before I knew it I was into a full fledged panic attack.

It was the scariest moment of my life. I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode. But luckily after what seemed an eternity he got better and went from a shocking 5 pounds to 7 pounds and on Feb 8th we went home.

It wasn't over however. For months after he came home I had to administer Valium for pain and Methadone for his addiction to pain killers he had gained during his suffering. And we had 10 breathing treatments of two different meds a day.

After months and months the doses went down and eventually my little man was healthy and strong and back to normal. I have never been more thankful that the lord was watching down on us. Now Ben is healthy and often goes by the nick name fat boy which is a relief from what we saw all those weeks in the ICU.

While it seems to have a happy ending that all changes shortly after we get home. I would soon find out that while my son laid in his ICU bed half dead and I cried hours on end barely moving from the hospital, he was having an affair with a women from his work. Once again my world would come crashing down......

Here comes Candeh with a baby carriage.

And morning comes again. This time though the house is empty and I have some peace to write. Which believe me is a rarity but I take advantage of it when it happens to come along. So where were we oh Yes the birth of my daughter. Who for all purposes we are going to call Sally.


As I said Sally was a little early and small but healthy and beautiful, my god she was beautiful. The second I held her I felt something It wasn't a burst of fireworks and stars like most mothers like to explain it. But something was there. I loved her more than I had ever loved anything or anyone in my life and we had just met.


Things with Sally where pretty normal I learned to be a mother and my mother helped me along the way. She grew healthy and gained weight properly and became the center of attention of our family. I cried the first time she stayed overnight with a family member. I remember sitting in the rocking chair smelling of her onsie crying my eyes out as if I would never see her again. Knowing that first thing in the morning she would be in my arms again, but still I longed for her sweet baby smell and the sweet smile she gave me when our eyes met.


When Sally was about 9 months old or so Mark and I finally tied the knot and made it official. I still loved him as much as I had the day we met and now our family was whole. It was one of the three best days of my life. Soon after we were married we learned I was expecting again and this time it would be a boy.

This pregnancy would prove to be the hardest and the time that would follow would nearly break me sending me into daily panic attacks. I was really sick through my pregnancy with Sally throwing up everyday three to four times a day and my appetite was non existent I only gained 4 pounds but she was growing healthy and I was getting bigger so It wasn't a huge concern for the doc. and then with my son Ben it was the same I was sick everyday no appetite and the heartburn made things even worse.


But with Ben things were different I never gained any weight I lost 7 pounds. But I still got bigger so we weren't too alarmed. But then it started to turn for the worse. I was going into premature labor a lot. My Doctor stopped my labor all three times that he could and put me on bed rest with breathine pills to take everyday to try and keep my out of labor as it was far too early. But in the end it couldn't be stopped on Dec 15Th I went to the hospital in labor again and this time I was leaking amniotic fluid so there was nothing to do but deliver.


The next day my little man Ben was born at 11:00 am happy and healthy so we thought. He was small as his sister was but he seemed okay. After two days we went home as planned. I knew something was wrong the first night. I could barely get him to eat and his color looked funny to me but I thought I was just being paranoid. The next day I took him to our health department where I learned he had Jaundice.

So after two days in the hospital under a light he was released but something inside me still felt wrong. He still wouldn't eat and he still wasn't very active. And soon it would all become clear. Just a week or two later I got sick high fever the flu was all over me and then Ben got a cough. So because I could barely stand my parents took him to the Doc for me.

That was the day we learned he had severe RSV and would need to go to the hospital as his O2 stats were 72, at 69 you start burning brain cells. Later that night he would have to be moved to another hospital to the Pediatric ICU because he needed to be on a Ventilator as he could not handle the breathing on his own without wearing his heart out and making it stop like it had done three time before he was moved.

Well work time is here again so next time we will talk about the time spent in the ICU watching my son wither away wondering if I would ever get to hold my sweet little boy ever again.