It's the Climb.

Good Morning! It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your mood. I got in bed at a decent hour and I feel so much better now. But anyhow let's get back to the good stuff eh? Yesterday I told you about my husband and his affair and catching him with my best friend. That was one of the worst moments in my life my heart was broken.

The crazy thing is I was more upset at her than him. She had been my best friend for so long and I always knew that I could count on her. I would have laid my life down for that woman without a second thought. She was the sister I never had and in a instant it was all gone.

My other friends and family often ask me how I can still talk to her after that. Truth is I don't know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to let go of what used to be there. But the truth is I don't feel the way I used to. Before this I wanted to share every moment every detail of my life with her... Now I barely say hello anymore.

It hurt me so bad to know she had betrayed me like that. For the longest I was Angry I wanted to scream and cry and hit something. But after awhile I just felt numb and I still do. I told myself I would never be hurt by anyone like I was by those two. Even now when I think about that night I feel a tug on my heart strings. I wish somehow I could go back and change it but I can't.

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I needed to see what I did to toughen my skin so to speak. Even though my husband and I are still together I don't think I have ever truly forgiven him, and I don't know that I ever will. I certainly can't forget.

I have gotten over the other woman. But the second time wasn't just any woman it was the person I called my best friend. The person I cried to. The person I told my deepest fears and he took that away from me. I had no one I could trust or turn to anymore he had taken it all from me and she didn't stop him. So in my eyes I was alone and I didn't like being alone.

So after that we eventually got over it and I let him come home. Things didn't get easy fast but eventually I got over it enough to live our lives. So that brings us to present day. Whew felt good to get that off my chest. Although it doesn't erase it but at this point I don't want it erased. These are the things that make me who I am. I know that with a little effort and the good grace of God I can make it through anything and I plan to.

I think I have mentioned this already but I will leave you with it once again. I read a quote that I love and plan to keep in mind everyday as I live my life.

Life is not about waiting out the storm, but learning the dance in the rain....

So if you get the chance I hope you dance.

Cheater, Cheater, where did you meet her?

Good morning.... I think. It's Sunday morning and raining like crazy. This crazy weather is going to be the death of us all. We go from 45 degrees as a high to 75 as our high the next day. No wonder we can't get rid of our coughs Mother nature can't decide to burn or freeze us to death.. Anyhow back to the story.

Ben was now home and everything seemed to right again. I had both of my children happy and healthy and our oldest Marks Step daughter Jenny was a big sister and growing like a weed. Life seemed as close to perfect as it got. Boy was I ever wrong. Who was I to expect a fairy tale life? Looking back now I can play it my head and I look just like the hopeless wife in every infidelity story who thought everything was peachy keen when in reality it was anything but.

One day at home while my husband was at work and I was doing my usual duties of laundry and diapers and boo boo kissing I received a text message on my cell phone. It was from a number I didn't know which was weird as at the time I was a stay at home mother with really no friends apart from a select few other mothers and my children who I had most conversations with.

The Text message asked me if I knew a woman and it gave her name. I replied with No thinking they had the wrong number. Then another message followed. " Well your husband knows her pretty well." Which I replied with OK, who is this? Then another message came " They know each other too well, but don't take my word be a detective find out for your self." The womans cell number followed.

I was mad right away although not at him. I was mad at the person sending the messages. I instantly thought he was innocent and it was just some malicious person trying to use lies and slander to break up a happy marriage because of their own misery. So I called him and asked him who this woman was..... He knew her they worked together but he said they were just friends. The occasional conversation at break and showing off pictures of their families to one another. I bought it for a bit.

Soon after I became curious so just to confirm to my self that I was right my husband was not a cheat I looked up his cell records online. The Woman's number showed along the lines of 5-10 times every day calls lasting sometimes 45 minutes. Stemming back to even when we were in the ICU with Ben. There would be calls after work where I would call and he would be on the phone with her... He would talk to me for a few minutes and call her right back talking to her all the way home...

That doesn't sound innocent to me. When he got home I confronted him with the information. He still claimed it was nothing romantic simply a friendship. So I asked him to tone it down. No phone calls if they were just buddies like he said they could stick with conversations at work and I asked the same from her as she was also married. He agreed and I let it go.


A few months later I learned they were still at it. But this time she was using her house number because it was unlisted. However what they seem to forget is I am quiet resourceful and I found the listing it was her husbands name and their address. So once again I asked him to stop. The calls seemed to cease after that with the occasional call from her that lasted about 30 seconds so I am guessing he told her he couldn't talk.

Later on my husband changed jobs. He was laid off and had to find a new job which ended up being a third shift job, which is hard when you have children at home during the day and at this point I was working. I was working two jobs actually. I worked from 7 am in the morning at one job until it was time to go to the other which I worked at until 11pm at night. I was exhausted when I finally got home but we needed the money as he had been laid off for some time.

Soon after he started his new job I left my second job it was just too much when I had no babysitter so I would have to be there during the day to keep the children. I kept my second shift job so we wouldn't overlap in work times. So after a few weeks he seemed to be very tired when he got up for work a lot of days and I heard rumors he had been telling his mom whom he worked with that it was because the kids and I wouldn't let him get any sleep during the day.

I found this odd as we kept to our family room during they day and a lot of times we ran errands while he was asleep. So once again I got suspicious and I looked at the cell records...clean. But then I thought about something. We have a phone line in our bedroom for our Internet, it stays hooked to a computer so we don't use it for calls but our phone was hooked to it when afternoon when I got home.

I had not thought anything of it at that point but now I was curious so I hit redial.. Low and behold guess who's number showed up? Yep it was hers. Now I know what you are thinking I never proved anything and they could have just been friends. But honestly what man calls a friend that many times a day? Yep exactly. And that's not the end of it. Between the first and last time I caught him talking with her something else happened with someone else.

One night we got a sitter and went to my best friends house. This girl has been my best friend since we were in the 3rd grade so I jumped at the chance to spend some time with her as we both had kids and little time to get together. So my husband and I and few other friends got together with her at her house and we were drinking listening to music having a good time. Mark had been laying down in the back as he had a headache and wasn't feeling too well. He hadn't had anything to drink so we let him be.

The night we on we had a great time like we used to and soon after way too many drinks I went to get in the bed with my husband. We have a rule not to drive when drunk.. It's just too risky when we have those little ones at home that need us to come back safe and in one piece. Soon after I laid down and Mark and I made love he got up. While I thought he went to smoke it turned out once again I was wrong.

Soon after he got up I did too I was cold and I was going to see if I could find a blanket. When I walked out of the bedroom I heard laughing and there sat my best friend and my husband on the couch. She was sitting on top of him and they were kissing. Take in mind I was drunk at the time so it didn't process all I said was I need a blanket and she brought me one and I went back to sleep. They thought I hadn't seen anything but I had and I would remember it the next morning.

When I woke up no one else was awake and something inside me rang out saying something is wrong. So I looked at her phone which was on the couch charging. I looked at her text messages sent last night and in one she tells someone else they had kissed. And it all came flooding back to me what I had saw. I was furious. Needless to say me and my friend rarely speak now.

I got over it somewhat but my heart was shattered and my feelings towards my husband changed. I had lost both of my best friends and I felt like dying. Even though we were still together and she still called about once a week. The connections were gone. I don't feel like I used to. I still don't and I don't know if I ever will.

Well I guess It's time to call it quits today but tomorrow we will pick up where we left off.... Feeling a bit down now after rehashing all of those memories but tis life.

Ben and RSV.

RSV is a very serious virus in mostly premature babies. While older children do get it, it is more like a cold for them, while for Preemies it can as sometimes is a fatal virus.

Ben was diagnosed and moved to another hospital to the ICU unit as I said last time, and he was put on a ventilator. For weeks we were in the ICU and the battle went from bad to worse before it ever got close to good. His lungs collapsed he had pneumonia and staff infection in his lungs from the vent.


It seemed like he was never going to get better he was chemically paralyzed to keep him from fighting the vent and there were days where nurses would surrounded his bed as they watched his heart rate drop ready to do CPR at any moment.

I remember one day standing there watching his heart rate drop so quickly and the nurses began preparing for CPR which they would do at 60 beats per minute.

I couldn't handle it. His heart rate picked back up but It was too late for me I locked myself in the bathroom of the ICU waiting area and cried and before I knew it I was into a full fledged panic attack.

It was the scariest moment of my life. I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode. But luckily after what seemed an eternity he got better and went from a shocking 5 pounds to 7 pounds and on Feb 8th we went home.

It wasn't over however. For months after he came home I had to administer Valium for pain and Methadone for his addiction to pain killers he had gained during his suffering. And we had 10 breathing treatments of two different meds a day.

After months and months the doses went down and eventually my little man was healthy and strong and back to normal. I have never been more thankful that the lord was watching down on us. Now Ben is healthy and often goes by the nick name fat boy which is a relief from what we saw all those weeks in the ICU.

While it seems to have a happy ending that all changes shortly after we get home. I would soon find out that while my son laid in his ICU bed half dead and I cried hours on end barely moving from the hospital, he was having an affair with a women from his work. Once again my world would come crashing down......

Here comes Candeh with a baby carriage.

And morning comes again. This time though the house is empty and I have some peace to write. Which believe me is a rarity but I take advantage of it when it happens to come along. So where were we oh Yes the birth of my daughter. Who for all purposes we are going to call Sally.


As I said Sally was a little early and small but healthy and beautiful, my god she was beautiful. The second I held her I felt something It wasn't a burst of fireworks and stars like most mothers like to explain it. But something was there. I loved her more than I had ever loved anything or anyone in my life and we had just met.


Things with Sally where pretty normal I learned to be a mother and my mother helped me along the way. She grew healthy and gained weight properly and became the center of attention of our family. I cried the first time she stayed overnight with a family member. I remember sitting in the rocking chair smelling of her onsie crying my eyes out as if I would never see her again. Knowing that first thing in the morning she would be in my arms again, but still I longed for her sweet baby smell and the sweet smile she gave me when our eyes met.


When Sally was about 9 months old or so Mark and I finally tied the knot and made it official. I still loved him as much as I had the day we met and now our family was whole. It was one of the three best days of my life. Soon after we were married we learned I was expecting again and this time it would be a boy.

This pregnancy would prove to be the hardest and the time that would follow would nearly break me sending me into daily panic attacks. I was really sick through my pregnancy with Sally throwing up everyday three to four times a day and my appetite was non existent I only gained 4 pounds but she was growing healthy and I was getting bigger so It wasn't a huge concern for the doc. and then with my son Ben it was the same I was sick everyday no appetite and the heartburn made things even worse.


But with Ben things were different I never gained any weight I lost 7 pounds. But I still got bigger so we weren't too alarmed. But then it started to turn for the worse. I was going into premature labor a lot. My Doctor stopped my labor all three times that he could and put me on bed rest with breathine pills to take everyday to try and keep my out of labor as it was far too early. But in the end it couldn't be stopped on Dec 15Th I went to the hospital in labor again and this time I was leaking amniotic fluid so there was nothing to do but deliver.


The next day my little man Ben was born at 11:00 am happy and healthy so we thought. He was small as his sister was but he seemed okay. After two days we went home as planned. I knew something was wrong the first night. I could barely get him to eat and his color looked funny to me but I thought I was just being paranoid. The next day I took him to our health department where I learned he had Jaundice.

So after two days in the hospital under a light he was released but something inside me still felt wrong. He still wouldn't eat and he still wasn't very active. And soon it would all become clear. Just a week or two later I got sick high fever the flu was all over me and then Ben got a cough. So because I could barely stand my parents took him to the Doc for me.

That was the day we learned he had severe RSV and would need to go to the hospital as his O2 stats were 72, at 69 you start burning brain cells. Later that night he would have to be moved to another hospital to the Pediatric ICU because he needed to be on a Ventilator as he could not handle the breathing on his own without wearing his heart out and making it stop like it had done three time before he was moved.

Well work time is here again so next time we will talk about the time spent in the ICU watching my son wither away wondering if I would ever get to hold my sweet little boy ever again.

Love and Diapers.

It's 9 am the kids and I have been up for sometime. Three diaper changes and two sipper cups later here I am. So where did we leave off yesterday oh yes... When I met Mark. As I said I had taken on a babysitting job at night where two children were involved one with severe disabilities. So Mark was there during the week which is when I was also present. For the first week not much was said he kept to his room and I kept to the couch with the occasionally few words in passing from the porch to smoke and the bathroom.



After about a week things began to change. More words were shared and we found ourselves spending a lot of time together I found reasons to stay longer in the mornings and to get their earlier at night. It was official I wanted him and I was pretty sure he wanted me. There was only problem.... Age we are nine years apart and I was still a minor.



It started out little things simple flirting and before long my days were practically spent with him completely. Then one night under the summer sun it finally happened. While sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette and talking about the most random things we kissed. I could feel my body pulsing and the butterflies in my stomach dancing for joy as he wrapped his arms around me. It was the most magical moment of my life at that point and I never wanted to let go.


Now take in mind I was 17 years old so as you can imagine when my parents got wind of our blooming romance the poop hit the fan. I was forbidden to see him which of course I took with a grain of salt and as soon as the keys were in the ignition I was speeding back to him. We clashed for a while on the matter, my parents and I but finally knowing my 18Th birthday was only months away my parents decided to allow us to see each other but only after I brought him over to spend some time with my father.



I have always been a daddy's girl. Every pain or ache I wanted my daddy. My daddy is a good man he has worked his fingers to the bone everyday of his life since I came into this world to make sure my brother and I were taken care of and he still does. He loves my kids his grand babies unbelievably. I had and still have my daddy wrapped around my little finger... But my little girl has him wrapped even more than I could ever imagine.



So back to the story. Finally we could be together openly I was so happy. We spent every moment we could together. I took him to work and I was there an hour early when he got off to pick him up. I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. Our Romance was strong and blooming fast. It wouldn't be but a month or two and we would be living together.



It started as just me visiting his new place a lot, but soon my things began to end up there and eventually so did I. I spent more and more nights over until finally we just moved in the rest of my clothes and furniture. And in the following November we learned I was pregnant. I was feeling so many emotions happy, sad, confused, upset, excited, worried. The emotions were endless.



When I saw the stick I almost passed out luckily Mark was there to catch me. After a few days I had to tell my family. While I could here the sadness in their voices my parents were supporting and as the pregnancy progressed they were excited and anxious for their first grandchild. They did however request that we moved in with them while I had the baby until we could find a new place as the one we had wasn't in the best part of town.



I was 17 three days from 18 and I was scared to death I wanted and needed my mother right now so I was more than happy to go. The pregnancy wasn't exactly easy but it was worth every second of pain for what would come after but I am getting ahead of myself.


When we moved in Mark decided to change jobs since the one he had required him to go in very early and stay gone all day on the weekends. So we were having a baby it was settled. I was raised in a Christan setting so abortion was never an option to me and Adoption... Well I couldn't do that I had too much support and too much love from my family and I to give.

So we were living with my parents and getting ready for our family. As I said yesterday Marc already had a child who was 2 when we met almost 3 and we boned almost instantly. She is a beautiful loving little girl so I love spending time with her she is my first child and will always have the most special place in my heart.


So the months crept by and at Christmas I was given an engagement ring we were going to get married. I was happy although I was missing out on my teenage years I was happy. So I spent my time thinking of baby names, finding clothes, and enjoying every exciting stage in my pregnancy. Soon we found out we were having a little girl.


I tried to work but because I was so far along at that point and I had some slight complications so my Doctor informed me I was on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. I was due at the end of July but my little angel would be born at the end of June. She was small but she was healthy.

So here began my journey as a mother. It wasn't easy and things became a lot more complicated when I found out I was pregnant again when she was only ten months old. My pregnancy with my son was hard and we almost lost him... But that is a story for tomorrow.

Where to begin?

I guess the best place to start is to talk about myself for a few minutes. My name is Candeh. I am 22 years old and I am married to my husband who we are going to call Mark. Mark and I have two Children a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. We also have a daughter from Mark's previous marriage who is 7 years old. I work full time for the most part although like most businesses in the auto industry things are slow and hours are slim.

Now on to the tricky part my life. I can't say I have had this horrible tragic life because the facts are I haven't, I mean don't get me wrong I am not living a dream but my life is no worse than anyone else. So with that said welcome to my online Diary so to speak.


I guess I should start from my earliest moments and move from there. As I kid I was pretty active Cheer leading, Gymnastics, Girl scouts, and when my teenage years came I was the normal teenager running with friends experimenting with pot and alcohol. I held a job at a fast food restaurant from the time I was 14 on to 17 years old working 40hrs a week for the major portion of my time there.


I was a normal teenager until about the age of 16. One night at work we learned a friend of ours had been injured very badly in a car accident and that her fate was dangling in a hospital room. Now this girl and I were friends but we weren't best friends so It alarmed me when after receiving the call I felt a tightening in my chest.


I couldn't breathe the walls were closing in on me and I felt as if my heart could burst out of my chest at any moment. My hands and face began to tingle a few minutes into the trouble breathing and things began to get blurry. My first thoughts were oh god I am going to die.

After long attempts from my mother and another women forcing a paper bag over my face I finally had my body under control and the air flowed freely again, I was shaken and scared and my body felt weak as if I had just ran a 10k. I didn't understand it at all but my mother did as she had suffered from the same several times in the last few years.


After the attack and a few more in the middle of school leaving me embarrassed and in tears we finally went to see a Doctor where I was diagnosed with Panic Anxiety Disorder. I remember thinking What?! Panic Anxiety Disorder I am 16 years old what do I have to Panic about. The Dr then explained the symptoms to me and It was exactly what I had felt.


I tried along with the medication to get a grip on things but in the end I couldn't and I ended up dropping out of school. Eventually in time I would come to manage my Panic Anxiety but it wasn't easy and I still now sometimes have them. I have been in the car driving, in public, at work and even had the ambulance called to my work because I passed out on the floor and my frightened co workers could not seem to snap me back.


At 17 after I left my Fast Food job I took on babysitting. The shift was late at night as both of the parents worked 3rd shift so all I really had to do was sleep easy money. Little did I know this one job would change my life dramatically. The women had a son who was 26 yrs old, and he lived in a different city but worked here during the week. So during the week he crashed at his moms while he worked and went home on the weekends. So often times he was there as I was.


He was a very attractive man and I noticed I promise. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that in just a year I would be delivering our Daughter and months later he would become my husband.


But Alas that is a story for tomorrow for work calls.....