They never look the same.

You know everyone always says at funerals how good the person in the casket looks and most of the time it is a lie. Well today it wasn't any different..

He didn't look really bad he just didn't look like Eddie. He was pale and swollen and cold god his hands were so cold. It wasn't right seeing him there, it was so wrong. I kept expecting him to sit up and smile and say Gotcha! I wish so bad that he would have.

His wife god his poor wife was so upset. She kept crying trying to climb in the casket with him screaming Please wake up Eddie please wake up, she told us that on the way to the hospital before he quit breathing he kept saying don't let me die, don't let me die.

It broke my heart. His smallest child kept asking her Mommy why is daddy so cold? It was heartbreaking. He is only 8 years old and doesn't understand what is happening. We all cried for hours. Even at work tonight all we could do was talk about Eddie and cry more.

I know that Eddie would want us to be okay, and that he wouldn't want us to hurt this way. But it doesn't change that we are and will hurt for a long time. Every time we walk through those shop doors it is a constant reminder of him and all the good times.

He was an exceptional person, he was crazy as hell but exceptional. It was always a good night working with him. He was the type of person that was always making everyone laugh with his dancing and jokes.

I can still feel him grabbing my shoulder and calling me Hun like he did all of us girls. He was our big brother, our friend and he did whatever he could to look out for us, and for that I will always be thankful.

Today was a very hard day and tomorrow will be worse. Tomorrow we put him in the ground forever. I keep reminding myself that he is in a better place looking down on us. If I had to have a guardian angel I am damn glad to have Eddie on my side.

I know it will be a long time before we all recover from losing him, But I have faith that God can heal even the deepest wounds.

Well I am going to attempt to sleep again, I hope to dream of the good times and the fun we all had on the long nights at the shop with the radio cranked up and Eddie dancing away..... He will always be dancing in our hearts. We miss you Eddie.

-Candeh

Rest In Peace Boss Man.

Today has been a horrible day. I wish so bad I could go to sleep and wake up to learn it was all a dream. This morning I woke up to a phone call from a girl I work with. She told me our friend who was also our boss had passed the night before.

It floored me. The tears came almost instantly. He wasn't just our boss. Our night crew is nine people including him and we were all close. When we had problems or just needed to vent he was there to listen.

I kept praying I was still sleeping and that I would wake up and go to work and we would laugh about me having a dream that he died, but I didn't wake up.

All afternoon at work I caught myself looking out the door at his parking spot waiting for him to pull up in his dented Chevy blaring Rock music, with a Route 44 sonic cup in his hand, wearing those god awful khaki safari shorts showing his white chicken legs as we called them... But I know he won't be pulling up ever again.

I keep telling myself to stop crying but I can't, I have lost a friend and it hurts. And you know what why should I stop crying??? I have a right to cry and curse and be sad and mad dammit and I am going to be.

I am mad that we lost a friend, I am mad that I won't be laughing at his ridiculous dancing at work. I am mad that I didn't get to tell him what a great friend he was and how much we all loved him. I am mad about the ten thousands things I will never get to say to him.

I keep telling myself he is in a better place and that God is taking care of him now, but it's not enough maybe I am selfish but dammit I want my friend back. I want to hear his stupid jokes, I want to watch him dance and sing some ridiculously old rock song that I have never heard in front of the coffee maker on lunch break.

I even want to make those trips across town in Friday traffic to pick up his nasty stinky Veal Parmesan from the Restaurant he loved only to have my car stinking for two days afterwards.

I dread tomorrow. I dread seeing him laying in that casket. I will try and tell myself that's not him, that he is already long gone but I know that when I see him it will be the last thing I remember and I don't want it to be.

I want the last thing to be him laughing his ass off at me outside cutting rags at the shop scared to death the snake would come out from the hole nearby and try to eat me. Even though he had explained that a black racer had nor the size or desire to eat me.

Work was silent we hardly spoke. You could see the tears had worn every ones eyes. We made plans to meet in the morning and go to the funeral home although we all wished we could bring him back with enough wishing and praying.

We have talked about having a party this weekend in his memory a sending off party if you will. We know he would have wanted us to remember him in only the best fashion and we want to make sure we try and do that.

I am exhausted from the crying so I am going to try and get a little sleep if I can. But there is one thing I need to say before I go. Rest in Peace Eddie Dewayne Johnson. We love and miss you, you will always be in our hearts and memories.

-Candeh

What I love about Sundays(I know its Corny hush!)

Today was yet another pretty day! It was in the Mid 80's most of the day temperature wise and it was great. I got up this morning and played with my little man for a bit before heading to town to tan. Once I was all dark and sunny I headed back home with the Radio cranked up and the windows down. I had forgotten what a drive on a sunny day alone feels like. It was so great.

After I got home it was time to take Jenny to meet her mom our weekend visit was already over. So I loaded up all three so Mark could sleep as he had to go back to work at 8pm tonight. All three of them were so worn out from playing all morning that they were out ten minutes within the trip.

Somehow don't ask me how I ended up lost on a drive I make all the time. I swear I couldn't find my way out of a paper sack I have no sense of direction. Although I know the back roads around here like the back of my hand but beyond that I am terrible.

So after a little bit of a panic I found my way to the meeting spot. After I dropped her off me and the other two headed home with the windows down and rock music seeping out. The kids were dancing in their car seats and pretending they knew the words to Crazy Train.

After a few more songs we were home. We stopped at my grandparents and the kids gave them tons of hugs and kisses, and yes they spoiled them the whole time. When we managed to make it to the house they wanted to ride bikes so we were outside for another few hours until it finally started to get a little windy.

Now the kiddos are gone my sister in law picked them up for the night and the husband is at work. Mommy has some time to herself and boy I have no clue what to do with it! So I have taken a shower, caught up the laundry, cleaned the house, and am now watching Frazier and listening to music during commericals. I have no idea what to do with free time!

All in all today was a really good day minus the getting lost part. ( Which I think I actually enjoyed). Did I mention the awesome Spray tan I got today?? Oh I think I did.... Anyhow. As much as I enjoyed the weekend it is coming to a close. I don't mind going back to work it gets me back in my routine which keeps me focused and centered.

I just hope the week is as pretty as the weekend. As now that I have a tan I can actually wear my shorts to work! Sooooo until Tomorrow.

-Candeh

Blue Raspberry Martinis rawk.

Today has been such a pretty day! It seems like its been ages since we have had a day like this and I was actually not working through it.

So it started off this morning the kids woke bright and early but Daddy got up and let me sleep in I was so wiped from the week... And the fact that I have been living on energy drinks and very little food lol.

So after I pried out of bed at 9:30 the kids were all over me. I played with them until noon and then it was nap time. My Step daughter Jenny is here this weekend so we are a busy group. After a few hours sleeping My mother in law picked them up and took them to two different parks.

With free time I wasn't sure what to do so My mom and I went riding around and into town to Walmart and did some cruising for fun! We had a really good time we got to talk without a little one tugging at my pants and just gossip about things it was really nice.

So after our ride we decided hey let's cook out and drink Blue raspberry Martinis! So we threw on some pork chops and the kids stayed with their grandmother except the little one he is snuggled in bed now!

We have been outside sitting and talking and having a pretty good time. So all in all it's been a damn good day which I really really needed right now. So I guess tonight I am going to cut this short as I have more alcohol and a husband who is in a good mood waiting for me.

These are the kind of days I love. The people I love the most around me just hanging out having a blast.

Like I love to say. Life is not about waiting out the storm, but learning to dance in the rain!

-Candeh

Cooled off...

Okay so I am not as mad today as I was last night. I am still upset but I am less likely to toss a toaster or something at him. lol. I guess I just need to get over it but it was irresponsible and it scared the living day lights out of me.

Alright so on to other things now I have vented enough. I worked a full eight hour shift last night which believe me apart from last Friday it is rare. It was a pretty good night except from the news at lunch. We have a good crew and a good boss so we usually have pretty good nights.

So I had a pretty good night but for some reason I wake up this morning and I feel well the only way I can think to say it is numb. I put on a darn good face for everyone I am always bubbly it seems and in a decent mood. But there seem to be a lot of days I just don't feel anything anymore. I am not depressed I don't think.. Just numb.

I have gained what seems to be 248754754547 million pounds in the last few months and it is driving me insane. I wasn't tiny to start out with but now I am just getting fat( Well at least I think so.) I have never been really pretty, I don't think I am ugly but just not very pretty but I have always had my body to fall back on and now I am loosing that. I am becoming the typical Fat unattractive mother you always see on tacky sitcoms.

I walk into a room now and I just feel ugh. unattractive I feel slobbish like there is no point and trying anymore. Sure I still put some effort into it but it doesn't seem to help. I have acne I can't get rid of and my waist is expanding by the second. I step on the scale at work and all I can think is " You are such a Cow it is a wonder you even have a husband who wants to look at you." I feel like I am losing myself and I really want me back.

I want the bubbly girl who makes everyone laugh and doesn't give a damn what anyone else things of her. All of the sudden I have become this self conscious woman desperately seeking approval from others. That isn't me and I know that but what I don't know is how to find the real Candeh again.

Maybe this is the way its supposed to be. You get married you have kids you get old and fat. But if it is someone shoot me now. I mean I love my kids they are the best things I have ever made and I wouldn't trade them for anything but something is missing, there is something I am lacking and for the life of me I can't figure out what it is.

I don't have the best marriage as we have established but I do love him. We just are so different. He is quiet and shy and reserved while I am outgoing and talkative and love to have fun and laugh. I love to sing at the top of lungs, dance and just be goofy sometimes. I really hope life isn't supposed to be like this forever.

Sometimes I think maybe I married the wrong person. I love him I really do but we just don't seem to click the way we used to and I find myself wondering if maybe just maybe the person I am supposed to be with is out there with someone else just as miserable as I am.... Or maybe I am just not trying hard enough.

Well that is enough for today I need a smoke ( Yes I know it is bad for me). So until tomorrow. Candeh out!

Grrrr At Men.

So Today has been a long day and I am stressed out and about ready to throw things at my husband. ( okay so maybe not but it feels good to think about it.)

Okay so Today I get up and take care of the laundry and the kids and clean up all day after them. 11:30 rolls around and I have to leave for work so I can get my check in the bank before I have to punch my time card. So as I getting ready to leave I have put the baby down for a nap and my little girl is laying down watching cartoons. Now I time to wake up daddy.

Everything was fine he was up and I kissed everyone and headed out. Things are going well at work. I am in my groove cutting up with my co workers and lunch rolls around. I get a call from my mom. My three year old daughter has walked to my grandparents which is a quarter of a mile from our place... Now we live on a family farm so there was no road involve but still my three year old walked alone down there. We live in the woods what if they hadn't been home or if she had walked into a snake or a stray dog that wasn't friendly?


Where was her father you ask.. Asleep that's right ASLEEP. So my 80 year old grandfather comes to the house and he can't get his lazy butt out of bed. So he gets the baby from the crib who has been in there screaming for god knows how long and takes him back to their house. Now I understand Daddy is tired because he worked third shift the night before and has only gotten 5 hours of sleep.

We can't afford a baby sitter and we have to make due with each other. So I get he is tired but so am I. I get up at the crack of dawn with the kids feed them bathe them. Nap them fix cups do laundry and sneak a shower in. Then I go to work for the rest of the night. So yeah I am beat to but that is how the cookie crumbles. For months I worked two jobs while he stayed home but did I fall asleep and let my children roam in the woods, NO! I got my butt up and took care of my responsibilities.

I haven't had the chance to talk to him yet as He was already at work when I got off but I am so steaming mad. I mean is it really too much for me to want him to put some effort into taking care of our children... Am I overreacting? Normally he is a good father but this just makes my blood boil.. Maybe I will cool off before the morning maybe not. I guess I will see then.

Alrighty I think it's time for me to get my behind in bed I will have work again tomorrow and maybe just maybe my husband will actually take care of our children why I am there.

It's the Climb.

Good Morning! It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your mood. I got in bed at a decent hour and I feel so much better now. But anyhow let's get back to the good stuff eh? Yesterday I told you about my husband and his affair and catching him with my best friend. That was one of the worst moments in my life my heart was broken.

The crazy thing is I was more upset at her than him. She had been my best friend for so long and I always knew that I could count on her. I would have laid my life down for that woman without a second thought. She was the sister I never had and in a instant it was all gone.

My other friends and family often ask me how I can still talk to her after that. Truth is I don't know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to let go of what used to be there. But the truth is I don't feel the way I used to. Before this I wanted to share every moment every detail of my life with her... Now I barely say hello anymore.

It hurt me so bad to know she had betrayed me like that. For the longest I was Angry I wanted to scream and cry and hit something. But after awhile I just felt numb and I still do. I told myself I would never be hurt by anyone like I was by those two. Even now when I think about that night I feel a tug on my heart strings. I wish somehow I could go back and change it but I can't.

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I needed to see what I did to toughen my skin so to speak. Even though my husband and I are still together I don't think I have ever truly forgiven him, and I don't know that I ever will. I certainly can't forget.

I have gotten over the other woman. But the second time wasn't just any woman it was the person I called my best friend. The person I cried to. The person I told my deepest fears and he took that away from me. I had no one I could trust or turn to anymore he had taken it all from me and she didn't stop him. So in my eyes I was alone and I didn't like being alone.

So after that we eventually got over it and I let him come home. Things didn't get easy fast but eventually I got over it enough to live our lives. So that brings us to present day. Whew felt good to get that off my chest. Although it doesn't erase it but at this point I don't want it erased. These are the things that make me who I am. I know that with a little effort and the good grace of God I can make it through anything and I plan to.

I think I have mentioned this already but I will leave you with it once again. I read a quote that I love and plan to keep in mind everyday as I live my life.

Life is not about waiting out the storm, but learning the dance in the rain....

So if you get the chance I hope you dance.