Grrrr @ Taco Bell.

So this afternoon I am on my way home and I stop at Taco Bell to pick up a quick bite as I have a headache because I haven't had anything to eat all day. I ordered myself three soft tacos supreme and one of those new fully loaded Steak Salads for my husband. It took forever to get through the line but I was fine with that.

What I am not fine with is when I get home and look at my husbands food the tortilla salad bowl isn't even a quarter full. There was barely anything in there especially not 6 bucks worth. I was so steaming mad but I live 15 minutes out of town so I was not driving all the way back to town to get a refund.

Maybe this is me being a bit harsh because I am mad. But Seriously how hard is it to master the art of Taco bell? If you can't manage that then I got news for you boys and girls your future is not looking too bright.....Seriously with a repression going on you think these people would be trying a little harder to be better at their jobs.

But nope not here. Our town is full of little rich snobby kids who are spoiled by mommy and daddy so they don't think their jobs are important. It is just a social thing for them to hang out and joke around for a few hours a night during the week. Needless to say Taco Bell has lost my business for awhile....

-Candeh

Something you should know.

When I started this blog I had every intention of not using any real names in the blog, but seeing as I have already broken that promise I might as well make some corrections.

My husbands name is not Mark it is actually Chris. My kids are actually Ally and Aidan. ( Sally and Ben clever huh? Okay so not really.) While Candeh is not the name most call me I do use it with certain people. My real name is Candace although most people call me Nikki for my middle name Nicole.

But sense we are used to Candeh that is how we are going to keep it. Everything has been the truth just the names were changed except for the recent mentions of Eddie and Debbie those were their real names.

There is one more thing I want to mention. Eddie had no life insurance and he was the bread winner for the family. So donations are being taken up to help with the expenses of burying him and if anyone would like to help even if it is only a dollar, every little bit helps. Your donations can be mailed to

General Warehousing & Inspection
61 McKnight Drive, Lexington, TN, 38351
ATTN: Julie Wagner.

Okay so now that we have all that out of the way. I read one of my books last night. It was titled You've been Warned. By James Patterson & Howard Roughan. It liked it very much another thrilling tale from JP.

The story is of a young woman twenty six years old named Kristin Burns. Kristin is a Photographer waiting to be discovered and in her mean time a baby sitter for a very wealthy New York family. She cares for two children a five year old boy Sean and an older girl Sibling Dakota.

She has been with the family for two years and loves the children dearly. But the mother who isn't the biological mother is a bitch to say the least. Snobby, rich, skinny and mean as a snake. But Kristin has found comfort in her affair with the Wicked Witches husband Micheal. Things seem to be going okay for Kristin until things start happening that she doesn't understand.

She witnesses an event at a Hotel that has obvious meaning to her that to the rest of the world hasn't yet occurred. She starts to meet people from her past and people she had never met only to find out some of them were deceased. Things seems to spiral out of control and it seems there is nothing she can do about it.

The tale of Kristin and her forbidden love and the warnings of the deceased and living kept me glued into the book all night and I couldn't stop reading until it was finished. So if you need a good book to stimulate your mind and get your imagination flowing this thriller is definitely what you need. You've been Warned.

Tonight I hope to start and finish another book by James Patterson & Howard Roughan titled SAIL Hopefully I will be able to let you know in the morning how it is. Well for now I am off for a rest from the computer screen. Toodles!

-Candeh

Thank you Eddie.

This one isn't going to be very long but I just had a crazy dream during a nap yet it was comforting and I needed to share it with someone so guess what you guys are it!

So we are at work at the shop and the whole gang is there including Eddie. We are getting ready to leave for the night and I wrap my arms around Eddie and give him the biggest hug ever. He giggled in that silly way he did and said " What's that for?" and then I told him "It's because I know this is a dream and when I wake up you will be dead again." and he replied just as cool as cucumber " I know Hun."

It was so real I could feel him I could smell his cologne he always wore. Every mole on his face was accounted for, it was so damn real. As I held on tight I told him that we all missed the hell out of him and that we loved him. He smiled at me and hugged me back and said it's okay I am okay.

Then it was like the dream changed like it fast forwarded and no one could see him but me. Big Debbie( Note this woman is skinny as a rail but we have two ladies named Debbie and she is taller so we call her big Deb.) is talking about how Eddie would love a pretty night like this with the stars out and the crickets chirping. I can still see him and hear him but they couldn't. He smiled at me one last time and gave me one of those winks and I started to hear music.

About 20 seconds later I realized it was my phone and I was now waking up. Now all I really wanna do is go back to sleep so I can ask him all the things I wanted to. But I know that the dream will probably go the same way if I have it again. No questions just hugs and tears.

I am not sure if it makes me superstitious but I choose to believe he was there, he was there to let me know he is okay and we can stop hurting for him. I choose to believe that it was his way of saying things are going to be alright. And you know what next time I see him in my dreams I owe him a big Thank you.

-Candeh

TGIF

Friday is finally here thank goodness. This week has been hell. To top off everything that has happened this week another one of our Co workers went to the ER with chest pain Thursday night.

Thankfully they called it Extreme stress and ordered rest. We were all on pins and needles until we heard the news that he was okay.

Tonight we had to work but only a few hours and it happened to be the same part we were doing last Friday night which was our last night with Eddie.

We asked for the radio on and to our surprise a song from his funeral came on and everything went quiet. We have all decided to take it as a sign that he was with us and always will be.

I am really happy this week is coming to a close. I have been having pain in my lower abdomen on my right side since last night and It is so painful.

It doesn't hurt as much as long as I don't move, talk, laugh, or breathe. I am not sure if it is a UT infection, kidney stones, or what but it hurts a lot. I should probably go to the ER but with no insurance it is another bill I can't afford.

So I will rely on Raspberry Tinis and second hand meds to do the job. So for now I am going to bare it because frankly I can't afford to do much else. On a positive note I got to the library Thursday and got two new James Patterson book and I plan to read read read all weekend long.

I love burying myself in a book. So for the ones of you that love a good book I will let you know how they are.

Being as it's Friday and my side is killing me I think I will crawl into bed with one of my books and loose myself in someone Else's tragedy for awhile. Toodles!

-Candeh

Saying GoodBye.

So today was the day. Today we said Goodbye to Eddie for good, and it was hard. It was a very rough day but it was good to finally get it all done and over. I cried all the way through the service and the tears flowed like a river when I put my hand on his and told him goodbye for the last time.

The service was very nice but all too painful. I believe that the dead can hear us and can feel our love and I believe that Eddie was watching over all of us today as we said our Goodbyes, so for the rest of the night I vowed to try and smile because I know he wouldn't have wanted us all crying and mourning. So I did exactly that I talked about positive memories and I sang old songs and even laughed a little.

After the service I headed to work, we had a decent night it was long and the thought of him lingered everywhere but a Energy drink and a few songs sung out loud later we were telling jokes and giggling again.

It felt so good to smile and laugh. The people I work with are so great and I love everyone of them to pieces, and ever since we lost Eddie I have made it a point to make sure they all know that I care for them.

We aren't promised tomorrow and I don't want any regrets when I go I want to know that all the people I love knew it. I want to live every moment as if it were my last. I want my children to know that Mommy loved them more than life itself.

Okay so enough sappy sadness. It's time to perk up and live life. It's too short as I have been reminded. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a good one.

My little ones are coming back from a week spent with their aunt and I can't wait to hold my babies I have missed them like crazy. I can't wait for the weekend so I can spend all day with them. So I better call it a night and get some sleep!

-Candeh

They never look the same.

You know everyone always says at funerals how good the person in the casket looks and most of the time it is a lie. Well today it wasn't any different..

He didn't look really bad he just didn't look like Eddie. He was pale and swollen and cold god his hands were so cold. It wasn't right seeing him there, it was so wrong. I kept expecting him to sit up and smile and say Gotcha! I wish so bad that he would have.

His wife god his poor wife was so upset. She kept crying trying to climb in the casket with him screaming Please wake up Eddie please wake up, she told us that on the way to the hospital before he quit breathing he kept saying don't let me die, don't let me die.

It broke my heart. His smallest child kept asking her Mommy why is daddy so cold? It was heartbreaking. He is only 8 years old and doesn't understand what is happening. We all cried for hours. Even at work tonight all we could do was talk about Eddie and cry more.

I know that Eddie would want us to be okay, and that he wouldn't want us to hurt this way. But it doesn't change that we are and will hurt for a long time. Every time we walk through those shop doors it is a constant reminder of him and all the good times.

He was an exceptional person, he was crazy as hell but exceptional. It was always a good night working with him. He was the type of person that was always making everyone laugh with his dancing and jokes.

I can still feel him grabbing my shoulder and calling me Hun like he did all of us girls. He was our big brother, our friend and he did whatever he could to look out for us, and for that I will always be thankful.

Today was a very hard day and tomorrow will be worse. Tomorrow we put him in the ground forever. I keep reminding myself that he is in a better place looking down on us. If I had to have a guardian angel I am damn glad to have Eddie on my side.

I know it will be a long time before we all recover from losing him, But I have faith that God can heal even the deepest wounds.

Well I am going to attempt to sleep again, I hope to dream of the good times and the fun we all had on the long nights at the shop with the radio cranked up and Eddie dancing away..... He will always be dancing in our hearts. We miss you Eddie.

-Candeh

Rest In Peace Boss Man.

Today has been a horrible day. I wish so bad I could go to sleep and wake up to learn it was all a dream. This morning I woke up to a phone call from a girl I work with. She told me our friend who was also our boss had passed the night before.

It floored me. The tears came almost instantly. He wasn't just our boss. Our night crew is nine people including him and we were all close. When we had problems or just needed to vent he was there to listen.

I kept praying I was still sleeping and that I would wake up and go to work and we would laugh about me having a dream that he died, but I didn't wake up.

All afternoon at work I caught myself looking out the door at his parking spot waiting for him to pull up in his dented Chevy blaring Rock music, with a Route 44 sonic cup in his hand, wearing those god awful khaki safari shorts showing his white chicken legs as we called them... But I know he won't be pulling up ever again.

I keep telling myself to stop crying but I can't, I have lost a friend and it hurts. And you know what why should I stop crying??? I have a right to cry and curse and be sad and mad dammit and I am going to be.

I am mad that we lost a friend, I am mad that I won't be laughing at his ridiculous dancing at work. I am mad that I didn't get to tell him what a great friend he was and how much we all loved him. I am mad about the ten thousands things I will never get to say to him.

I keep telling myself he is in a better place and that God is taking care of him now, but it's not enough maybe I am selfish but dammit I want my friend back. I want to hear his stupid jokes, I want to watch him dance and sing some ridiculously old rock song that I have never heard in front of the coffee maker on lunch break.

I even want to make those trips across town in Friday traffic to pick up his nasty stinky Veal Parmesan from the Restaurant he loved only to have my car stinking for two days afterwards.

I dread tomorrow. I dread seeing him laying in that casket. I will try and tell myself that's not him, that he is already long gone but I know that when I see him it will be the last thing I remember and I don't want it to be.

I want the last thing to be him laughing his ass off at me outside cutting rags at the shop scared to death the snake would come out from the hole nearby and try to eat me. Even though he had explained that a black racer had nor the size or desire to eat me.

Work was silent we hardly spoke. You could see the tears had worn every ones eyes. We made plans to meet in the morning and go to the funeral home although we all wished we could bring him back with enough wishing and praying.

We have talked about having a party this weekend in his memory a sending off party if you will. We know he would have wanted us to remember him in only the best fashion and we want to make sure we try and do that.

I am exhausted from the crying so I am going to try and get a little sleep if I can. But there is one thing I need to say before I go. Rest in Peace Eddie Dewayne Johnson. We love and miss you, you will always be in our hearts and memories.

-Candeh

What I love about Sundays(I know its Corny hush!)

Today was yet another pretty day! It was in the Mid 80's most of the day temperature wise and it was great. I got up this morning and played with my little man for a bit before heading to town to tan. Once I was all dark and sunny I headed back home with the Radio cranked up and the windows down. I had forgotten what a drive on a sunny day alone feels like. It was so great.

After I got home it was time to take Jenny to meet her mom our weekend visit was already over. So I loaded up all three so Mark could sleep as he had to go back to work at 8pm tonight. All three of them were so worn out from playing all morning that they were out ten minutes within the trip.

Somehow don't ask me how I ended up lost on a drive I make all the time. I swear I couldn't find my way out of a paper sack I have no sense of direction. Although I know the back roads around here like the back of my hand but beyond that I am terrible.

So after a little bit of a panic I found my way to the meeting spot. After I dropped her off me and the other two headed home with the windows down and rock music seeping out. The kids were dancing in their car seats and pretending they knew the words to Crazy Train.

After a few more songs we were home. We stopped at my grandparents and the kids gave them tons of hugs and kisses, and yes they spoiled them the whole time. When we managed to make it to the house they wanted to ride bikes so we were outside for another few hours until it finally started to get a little windy.

Now the kiddos are gone my sister in law picked them up for the night and the husband is at work. Mommy has some time to herself and boy I have no clue what to do with it! So I have taken a shower, caught up the laundry, cleaned the house, and am now watching Frazier and listening to music during commericals. I have no idea what to do with free time!

All in all today was a really good day minus the getting lost part. ( Which I think I actually enjoyed). Did I mention the awesome Spray tan I got today?? Oh I think I did.... Anyhow. As much as I enjoyed the weekend it is coming to a close. I don't mind going back to work it gets me back in my routine which keeps me focused and centered.

I just hope the week is as pretty as the weekend. As now that I have a tan I can actually wear my shorts to work! Sooooo until Tomorrow.

-Candeh

Blue Raspberry Martinis rawk.

Today has been such a pretty day! It seems like its been ages since we have had a day like this and I was actually not working through it.

So it started off this morning the kids woke bright and early but Daddy got up and let me sleep in I was so wiped from the week... And the fact that I have been living on energy drinks and very little food lol.

So after I pried out of bed at 9:30 the kids were all over me. I played with them until noon and then it was nap time. My Step daughter Jenny is here this weekend so we are a busy group. After a few hours sleeping My mother in law picked them up and took them to two different parks.

With free time I wasn't sure what to do so My mom and I went riding around and into town to Walmart and did some cruising for fun! We had a really good time we got to talk without a little one tugging at my pants and just gossip about things it was really nice.

So after our ride we decided hey let's cook out and drink Blue raspberry Martinis! So we threw on some pork chops and the kids stayed with their grandmother except the little one he is snuggled in bed now!

We have been outside sitting and talking and having a pretty good time. So all in all it's been a damn good day which I really really needed right now. So I guess tonight I am going to cut this short as I have more alcohol and a husband who is in a good mood waiting for me.

These are the kind of days I love. The people I love the most around me just hanging out having a blast.

Like I love to say. Life is not about waiting out the storm, but learning to dance in the rain!

-Candeh

Cooled off...

Okay so I am not as mad today as I was last night. I am still upset but I am less likely to toss a toaster or something at him. lol. I guess I just need to get over it but it was irresponsible and it scared the living day lights out of me.

Alright so on to other things now I have vented enough. I worked a full eight hour shift last night which believe me apart from last Friday it is rare. It was a pretty good night except from the news at lunch. We have a good crew and a good boss so we usually have pretty good nights.

So I had a pretty good night but for some reason I wake up this morning and I feel well the only way I can think to say it is numb. I put on a darn good face for everyone I am always bubbly it seems and in a decent mood. But there seem to be a lot of days I just don't feel anything anymore. I am not depressed I don't think.. Just numb.

I have gained what seems to be 248754754547 million pounds in the last few months and it is driving me insane. I wasn't tiny to start out with but now I am just getting fat( Well at least I think so.) I have never been really pretty, I don't think I am ugly but just not very pretty but I have always had my body to fall back on and now I am loosing that. I am becoming the typical Fat unattractive mother you always see on tacky sitcoms.

I walk into a room now and I just feel ugh. unattractive I feel slobbish like there is no point and trying anymore. Sure I still put some effort into it but it doesn't seem to help. I have acne I can't get rid of and my waist is expanding by the second. I step on the scale at work and all I can think is " You are such a Cow it is a wonder you even have a husband who wants to look at you." I feel like I am losing myself and I really want me back.

I want the bubbly girl who makes everyone laugh and doesn't give a damn what anyone else things of her. All of the sudden I have become this self conscious woman desperately seeking approval from others. That isn't me and I know that but what I don't know is how to find the real Candeh again.

Maybe this is the way its supposed to be. You get married you have kids you get old and fat. But if it is someone shoot me now. I mean I love my kids they are the best things I have ever made and I wouldn't trade them for anything but something is missing, there is something I am lacking and for the life of me I can't figure out what it is.

I don't have the best marriage as we have established but I do love him. We just are so different. He is quiet and shy and reserved while I am outgoing and talkative and love to have fun and laugh. I love to sing at the top of lungs, dance and just be goofy sometimes. I really hope life isn't supposed to be like this forever.

Sometimes I think maybe I married the wrong person. I love him I really do but we just don't seem to click the way we used to and I find myself wondering if maybe just maybe the person I am supposed to be with is out there with someone else just as miserable as I am.... Or maybe I am just not trying hard enough.

Well that is enough for today I need a smoke ( Yes I know it is bad for me). So until tomorrow. Candeh out!

Grrrr At Men.

So Today has been a long day and I am stressed out and about ready to throw things at my husband. ( okay so maybe not but it feels good to think about it.)

Okay so Today I get up and take care of the laundry and the kids and clean up all day after them. 11:30 rolls around and I have to leave for work so I can get my check in the bank before I have to punch my time card. So as I getting ready to leave I have put the baby down for a nap and my little girl is laying down watching cartoons. Now I time to wake up daddy.

Everything was fine he was up and I kissed everyone and headed out. Things are going well at work. I am in my groove cutting up with my co workers and lunch rolls around. I get a call from my mom. My three year old daughter has walked to my grandparents which is a quarter of a mile from our place... Now we live on a family farm so there was no road involve but still my three year old walked alone down there. We live in the woods what if they hadn't been home or if she had walked into a snake or a stray dog that wasn't friendly?


Where was her father you ask.. Asleep that's right ASLEEP. So my 80 year old grandfather comes to the house and he can't get his lazy butt out of bed. So he gets the baby from the crib who has been in there screaming for god knows how long and takes him back to their house. Now I understand Daddy is tired because he worked third shift the night before and has only gotten 5 hours of sleep.

We can't afford a baby sitter and we have to make due with each other. So I get he is tired but so am I. I get up at the crack of dawn with the kids feed them bathe them. Nap them fix cups do laundry and sneak a shower in. Then I go to work for the rest of the night. So yeah I am beat to but that is how the cookie crumbles. For months I worked two jobs while he stayed home but did I fall asleep and let my children roam in the woods, NO! I got my butt up and took care of my responsibilities.

I haven't had the chance to talk to him yet as He was already at work when I got off but I am so steaming mad. I mean is it really too much for me to want him to put some effort into taking care of our children... Am I overreacting? Normally he is a good father but this just makes my blood boil.. Maybe I will cool off before the morning maybe not. I guess I will see then.

Alrighty I think it's time for me to get my behind in bed I will have work again tomorrow and maybe just maybe my husband will actually take care of our children why I am there.

It's the Climb.

Good Morning! It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your mood. I got in bed at a decent hour and I feel so much better now. But anyhow let's get back to the good stuff eh? Yesterday I told you about my husband and his affair and catching him with my best friend. That was one of the worst moments in my life my heart was broken.

The crazy thing is I was more upset at her than him. She had been my best friend for so long and I always knew that I could count on her. I would have laid my life down for that woman without a second thought. She was the sister I never had and in a instant it was all gone.

My other friends and family often ask me how I can still talk to her after that. Truth is I don't know. Maybe part of me doesn't want to let go of what used to be there. But the truth is I don't feel the way I used to. Before this I wanted to share every moment every detail of my life with her... Now I barely say hello anymore.

It hurt me so bad to know she had betrayed me like that. For the longest I was Angry I wanted to scream and cry and hit something. But after awhile I just felt numb and I still do. I told myself I would never be hurt by anyone like I was by those two. Even now when I think about that night I feel a tug on my heart strings. I wish somehow I could go back and change it but I can't.

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I needed to see what I did to toughen my skin so to speak. Even though my husband and I are still together I don't think I have ever truly forgiven him, and I don't know that I ever will. I certainly can't forget.

I have gotten over the other woman. But the second time wasn't just any woman it was the person I called my best friend. The person I cried to. The person I told my deepest fears and he took that away from me. I had no one I could trust or turn to anymore he had taken it all from me and she didn't stop him. So in my eyes I was alone and I didn't like being alone.

So after that we eventually got over it and I let him come home. Things didn't get easy fast but eventually I got over it enough to live our lives. So that brings us to present day. Whew felt good to get that off my chest. Although it doesn't erase it but at this point I don't want it erased. These are the things that make me who I am. I know that with a little effort and the good grace of God I can make it through anything and I plan to.

I think I have mentioned this already but I will leave you with it once again. I read a quote that I love and plan to keep in mind everyday as I live my life.

Life is not about waiting out the storm, but learning the dance in the rain....

So if you get the chance I hope you dance.

Cheater, Cheater, where did you meet her?

Good morning.... I think. It's Sunday morning and raining like crazy. This crazy weather is going to be the death of us all. We go from 45 degrees as a high to 75 as our high the next day. No wonder we can't get rid of our coughs Mother nature can't decide to burn or freeze us to death.. Anyhow back to the story.

Ben was now home and everything seemed to right again. I had both of my children happy and healthy and our oldest Marks Step daughter Jenny was a big sister and growing like a weed. Life seemed as close to perfect as it got. Boy was I ever wrong. Who was I to expect a fairy tale life? Looking back now I can play it my head and I look just like the hopeless wife in every infidelity story who thought everything was peachy keen when in reality it was anything but.

One day at home while my husband was at work and I was doing my usual duties of laundry and diapers and boo boo kissing I received a text message on my cell phone. It was from a number I didn't know which was weird as at the time I was a stay at home mother with really no friends apart from a select few other mothers and my children who I had most conversations with.

The Text message asked me if I knew a woman and it gave her name. I replied with No thinking they had the wrong number. Then another message followed. " Well your husband knows her pretty well." Which I replied with OK, who is this? Then another message came " They know each other too well, but don't take my word be a detective find out for your self." The womans cell number followed.

I was mad right away although not at him. I was mad at the person sending the messages. I instantly thought he was innocent and it was just some malicious person trying to use lies and slander to break up a happy marriage because of their own misery. So I called him and asked him who this woman was..... He knew her they worked together but he said they were just friends. The occasional conversation at break and showing off pictures of their families to one another. I bought it for a bit.

Soon after I became curious so just to confirm to my self that I was right my husband was not a cheat I looked up his cell records online. The Woman's number showed along the lines of 5-10 times every day calls lasting sometimes 45 minutes. Stemming back to even when we were in the ICU with Ben. There would be calls after work where I would call and he would be on the phone with her... He would talk to me for a few minutes and call her right back talking to her all the way home...

That doesn't sound innocent to me. When he got home I confronted him with the information. He still claimed it was nothing romantic simply a friendship. So I asked him to tone it down. No phone calls if they were just buddies like he said they could stick with conversations at work and I asked the same from her as she was also married. He agreed and I let it go.


A few months later I learned they were still at it. But this time she was using her house number because it was unlisted. However what they seem to forget is I am quiet resourceful and I found the listing it was her husbands name and their address. So once again I asked him to stop. The calls seemed to cease after that with the occasional call from her that lasted about 30 seconds so I am guessing he told her he couldn't talk.

Later on my husband changed jobs. He was laid off and had to find a new job which ended up being a third shift job, which is hard when you have children at home during the day and at this point I was working. I was working two jobs actually. I worked from 7 am in the morning at one job until it was time to go to the other which I worked at until 11pm at night. I was exhausted when I finally got home but we needed the money as he had been laid off for some time.

Soon after he started his new job I left my second job it was just too much when I had no babysitter so I would have to be there during the day to keep the children. I kept my second shift job so we wouldn't overlap in work times. So after a few weeks he seemed to be very tired when he got up for work a lot of days and I heard rumors he had been telling his mom whom he worked with that it was because the kids and I wouldn't let him get any sleep during the day.

I found this odd as we kept to our family room during they day and a lot of times we ran errands while he was asleep. So once again I got suspicious and I looked at the cell records...clean. But then I thought about something. We have a phone line in our bedroom for our Internet, it stays hooked to a computer so we don't use it for calls but our phone was hooked to it when afternoon when I got home.

I had not thought anything of it at that point but now I was curious so I hit redial.. Low and behold guess who's number showed up? Yep it was hers. Now I know what you are thinking I never proved anything and they could have just been friends. But honestly what man calls a friend that many times a day? Yep exactly. And that's not the end of it. Between the first and last time I caught him talking with her something else happened with someone else.

One night we got a sitter and went to my best friends house. This girl has been my best friend since we were in the 3rd grade so I jumped at the chance to spend some time with her as we both had kids and little time to get together. So my husband and I and few other friends got together with her at her house and we were drinking listening to music having a good time. Mark had been laying down in the back as he had a headache and wasn't feeling too well. He hadn't had anything to drink so we let him be.

The night we on we had a great time like we used to and soon after way too many drinks I went to get in the bed with my husband. We have a rule not to drive when drunk.. It's just too risky when we have those little ones at home that need us to come back safe and in one piece. Soon after I laid down and Mark and I made love he got up. While I thought he went to smoke it turned out once again I was wrong.

Soon after he got up I did too I was cold and I was going to see if I could find a blanket. When I walked out of the bedroom I heard laughing and there sat my best friend and my husband on the couch. She was sitting on top of him and they were kissing. Take in mind I was drunk at the time so it didn't process all I said was I need a blanket and she brought me one and I went back to sleep. They thought I hadn't seen anything but I had and I would remember it the next morning.

When I woke up no one else was awake and something inside me rang out saying something is wrong. So I looked at her phone which was on the couch charging. I looked at her text messages sent last night and in one she tells someone else they had kissed. And it all came flooding back to me what I had saw. I was furious. Needless to say me and my friend rarely speak now.

I got over it somewhat but my heart was shattered and my feelings towards my husband changed. I had lost both of my best friends and I felt like dying. Even though we were still together and she still called about once a week. The connections were gone. I don't feel like I used to. I still don't and I don't know if I ever will.

Well I guess It's time to call it quits today but tomorrow we will pick up where we left off.... Feeling a bit down now after rehashing all of those memories but tis life.

Ben and RSV.

RSV is a very serious virus in mostly premature babies. While older children do get it, it is more like a cold for them, while for Preemies it can as sometimes is a fatal virus.

Ben was diagnosed and moved to another hospital to the ICU unit as I said last time, and he was put on a ventilator. For weeks we were in the ICU and the battle went from bad to worse before it ever got close to good. His lungs collapsed he had pneumonia and staff infection in his lungs from the vent.


It seemed like he was never going to get better he was chemically paralyzed to keep him from fighting the vent and there were days where nurses would surrounded his bed as they watched his heart rate drop ready to do CPR at any moment.

I remember one day standing there watching his heart rate drop so quickly and the nurses began preparing for CPR which they would do at 60 beats per minute.

I couldn't handle it. His heart rate picked back up but It was too late for me I locked myself in the bathroom of the ICU waiting area and cried and before I knew it I was into a full fledged panic attack.

It was the scariest moment of my life. I couldn't breathe and I thought my heart was going to explode. But luckily after what seemed an eternity he got better and went from a shocking 5 pounds to 7 pounds and on Feb 8th we went home.

It wasn't over however. For months after he came home I had to administer Valium for pain and Methadone for his addiction to pain killers he had gained during his suffering. And we had 10 breathing treatments of two different meds a day.

After months and months the doses went down and eventually my little man was healthy and strong and back to normal. I have never been more thankful that the lord was watching down on us. Now Ben is healthy and often goes by the nick name fat boy which is a relief from what we saw all those weeks in the ICU.

While it seems to have a happy ending that all changes shortly after we get home. I would soon find out that while my son laid in his ICU bed half dead and I cried hours on end barely moving from the hospital, he was having an affair with a women from his work. Once again my world would come crashing down......

Here comes Candeh with a baby carriage.

And morning comes again. This time though the house is empty and I have some peace to write. Which believe me is a rarity but I take advantage of it when it happens to come along. So where were we oh Yes the birth of my daughter. Who for all purposes we are going to call Sally.


As I said Sally was a little early and small but healthy and beautiful, my god she was beautiful. The second I held her I felt something It wasn't a burst of fireworks and stars like most mothers like to explain it. But something was there. I loved her more than I had ever loved anything or anyone in my life and we had just met.


Things with Sally where pretty normal I learned to be a mother and my mother helped me along the way. She grew healthy and gained weight properly and became the center of attention of our family. I cried the first time she stayed overnight with a family member. I remember sitting in the rocking chair smelling of her onsie crying my eyes out as if I would never see her again. Knowing that first thing in the morning she would be in my arms again, but still I longed for her sweet baby smell and the sweet smile she gave me when our eyes met.


When Sally was about 9 months old or so Mark and I finally tied the knot and made it official. I still loved him as much as I had the day we met and now our family was whole. It was one of the three best days of my life. Soon after we were married we learned I was expecting again and this time it would be a boy.

This pregnancy would prove to be the hardest and the time that would follow would nearly break me sending me into daily panic attacks. I was really sick through my pregnancy with Sally throwing up everyday three to four times a day and my appetite was non existent I only gained 4 pounds but she was growing healthy and I was getting bigger so It wasn't a huge concern for the doc. and then with my son Ben it was the same I was sick everyday no appetite and the heartburn made things even worse.


But with Ben things were different I never gained any weight I lost 7 pounds. But I still got bigger so we weren't too alarmed. But then it started to turn for the worse. I was going into premature labor a lot. My Doctor stopped my labor all three times that he could and put me on bed rest with breathine pills to take everyday to try and keep my out of labor as it was far too early. But in the end it couldn't be stopped on Dec 15Th I went to the hospital in labor again and this time I was leaking amniotic fluid so there was nothing to do but deliver.


The next day my little man Ben was born at 11:00 am happy and healthy so we thought. He was small as his sister was but he seemed okay. After two days we went home as planned. I knew something was wrong the first night. I could barely get him to eat and his color looked funny to me but I thought I was just being paranoid. The next day I took him to our health department where I learned he had Jaundice.

So after two days in the hospital under a light he was released but something inside me still felt wrong. He still wouldn't eat and he still wasn't very active. And soon it would all become clear. Just a week or two later I got sick high fever the flu was all over me and then Ben got a cough. So because I could barely stand my parents took him to the Doc for me.

That was the day we learned he had severe RSV and would need to go to the hospital as his O2 stats were 72, at 69 you start burning brain cells. Later that night he would have to be moved to another hospital to the Pediatric ICU because he needed to be on a Ventilator as he could not handle the breathing on his own without wearing his heart out and making it stop like it had done three time before he was moved.

Well work time is here again so next time we will talk about the time spent in the ICU watching my son wither away wondering if I would ever get to hold my sweet little boy ever again.

Love and Diapers.

It's 9 am the kids and I have been up for sometime. Three diaper changes and two sipper cups later here I am. So where did we leave off yesterday oh yes... When I met Mark. As I said I had taken on a babysitting job at night where two children were involved one with severe disabilities. So Mark was there during the week which is when I was also present. For the first week not much was said he kept to his room and I kept to the couch with the occasionally few words in passing from the porch to smoke and the bathroom.



After about a week things began to change. More words were shared and we found ourselves spending a lot of time together I found reasons to stay longer in the mornings and to get their earlier at night. It was official I wanted him and I was pretty sure he wanted me. There was only problem.... Age we are nine years apart and I was still a minor.



It started out little things simple flirting and before long my days were practically spent with him completely. Then one night under the summer sun it finally happened. While sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette and talking about the most random things we kissed. I could feel my body pulsing and the butterflies in my stomach dancing for joy as he wrapped his arms around me. It was the most magical moment of my life at that point and I never wanted to let go.


Now take in mind I was 17 years old so as you can imagine when my parents got wind of our blooming romance the poop hit the fan. I was forbidden to see him which of course I took with a grain of salt and as soon as the keys were in the ignition I was speeding back to him. We clashed for a while on the matter, my parents and I but finally knowing my 18Th birthday was only months away my parents decided to allow us to see each other but only after I brought him over to spend some time with my father.



I have always been a daddy's girl. Every pain or ache I wanted my daddy. My daddy is a good man he has worked his fingers to the bone everyday of his life since I came into this world to make sure my brother and I were taken care of and he still does. He loves my kids his grand babies unbelievably. I had and still have my daddy wrapped around my little finger... But my little girl has him wrapped even more than I could ever imagine.



So back to the story. Finally we could be together openly I was so happy. We spent every moment we could together. I took him to work and I was there an hour early when he got off to pick him up. I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. Our Romance was strong and blooming fast. It wouldn't be but a month or two and we would be living together.



It started as just me visiting his new place a lot, but soon my things began to end up there and eventually so did I. I spent more and more nights over until finally we just moved in the rest of my clothes and furniture. And in the following November we learned I was pregnant. I was feeling so many emotions happy, sad, confused, upset, excited, worried. The emotions were endless.



When I saw the stick I almost passed out luckily Mark was there to catch me. After a few days I had to tell my family. While I could here the sadness in their voices my parents were supporting and as the pregnancy progressed they were excited and anxious for their first grandchild. They did however request that we moved in with them while I had the baby until we could find a new place as the one we had wasn't in the best part of town.



I was 17 three days from 18 and I was scared to death I wanted and needed my mother right now so I was more than happy to go. The pregnancy wasn't exactly easy but it was worth every second of pain for what would come after but I am getting ahead of myself.


When we moved in Mark decided to change jobs since the one he had required him to go in very early and stay gone all day on the weekends. So we were having a baby it was settled. I was raised in a Christan setting so abortion was never an option to me and Adoption... Well I couldn't do that I had too much support and too much love from my family and I to give.

So we were living with my parents and getting ready for our family. As I said yesterday Marc already had a child who was 2 when we met almost 3 and we boned almost instantly. She is a beautiful loving little girl so I love spending time with her she is my first child and will always have the most special place in my heart.


So the months crept by and at Christmas I was given an engagement ring we were going to get married. I was happy although I was missing out on my teenage years I was happy. So I spent my time thinking of baby names, finding clothes, and enjoying every exciting stage in my pregnancy. Soon we found out we were having a little girl.


I tried to work but because I was so far along at that point and I had some slight complications so my Doctor informed me I was on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. I was due at the end of July but my little angel would be born at the end of June. She was small but she was healthy.

So here began my journey as a mother. It wasn't easy and things became a lot more complicated when I found out I was pregnant again when she was only ten months old. My pregnancy with my son was hard and we almost lost him... But that is a story for tomorrow.

Where to begin?

I guess the best place to start is to talk about myself for a few minutes. My name is Candeh. I am 22 years old and I am married to my husband who we are going to call Mark. Mark and I have two Children a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. We also have a daughter from Mark's previous marriage who is 7 years old. I work full time for the most part although like most businesses in the auto industry things are slow and hours are slim.

Now on to the tricky part my life. I can't say I have had this horrible tragic life because the facts are I haven't, I mean don't get me wrong I am not living a dream but my life is no worse than anyone else. So with that said welcome to my online Diary so to speak.


I guess I should start from my earliest moments and move from there. As I kid I was pretty active Cheer leading, Gymnastics, Girl scouts, and when my teenage years came I was the normal teenager running with friends experimenting with pot and alcohol. I held a job at a fast food restaurant from the time I was 14 on to 17 years old working 40hrs a week for the major portion of my time there.


I was a normal teenager until about the age of 16. One night at work we learned a friend of ours had been injured very badly in a car accident and that her fate was dangling in a hospital room. Now this girl and I were friends but we weren't best friends so It alarmed me when after receiving the call I felt a tightening in my chest.


I couldn't breathe the walls were closing in on me and I felt as if my heart could burst out of my chest at any moment. My hands and face began to tingle a few minutes into the trouble breathing and things began to get blurry. My first thoughts were oh god I am going to die.

After long attempts from my mother and another women forcing a paper bag over my face I finally had my body under control and the air flowed freely again, I was shaken and scared and my body felt weak as if I had just ran a 10k. I didn't understand it at all but my mother did as she had suffered from the same several times in the last few years.


After the attack and a few more in the middle of school leaving me embarrassed and in tears we finally went to see a Doctor where I was diagnosed with Panic Anxiety Disorder. I remember thinking What?! Panic Anxiety Disorder I am 16 years old what do I have to Panic about. The Dr then explained the symptoms to me and It was exactly what I had felt.


I tried along with the medication to get a grip on things but in the end I couldn't and I ended up dropping out of school. Eventually in time I would come to manage my Panic Anxiety but it wasn't easy and I still now sometimes have them. I have been in the car driving, in public, at work and even had the ambulance called to my work because I passed out on the floor and my frightened co workers could not seem to snap me back.


At 17 after I left my Fast Food job I took on babysitting. The shift was late at night as both of the parents worked 3rd shift so all I really had to do was sleep easy money. Little did I know this one job would change my life dramatically. The women had a son who was 26 yrs old, and he lived in a different city but worked here during the week. So during the week he crashed at his moms while he worked and went home on the weekends. So often times he was there as I was.


He was a very attractive man and I noticed I promise. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that in just a year I would be delivering our Daughter and months later he would become my husband.


But Alas that is a story for tomorrow for work calls.....